rPOST 360.

This will probably be my last post for like a long period of time.

I will be going to Shanghai for internship for 3 months.
It may not be totally fantastic but I hereby promise myself that when I return

I will be more mature
I will be more disciplined
I will be tougher than ever
I will be better than ever
I will do my best for FYP

I will be more than ready to finish off the whole 3 years strongly.


After that, I will aim for UCL bartlett school of Architecture.

Goodbye Singapore.
I will be back better than ever.

Actions will speak louder than words.
I will always remind myself of that.

Goodbye.

The future is daunting.

As time closes in and passes

I'm starting to ask myself...

What am I doing now?

If I really want architecture as my future

shouldn't I be making more effort to secure it?

Knowing that my results aren't good enough and etc.

Shouldn't I be looking for schools and scholarships for that?

I suddenly feel the need to work harder and just do it for the sake of something you really want.

It also suddenly became a question for me.

Am I killing myself for something that may not be meant for me?

Am I pursuing something that probably isn't meant to be?

Really.

I start to wonder.

Then again

I'm a person who love challenges but also gives in to intimidation.

Before you even try and you give up, that's the worst thing that can ever happen.

I'm never satisfied with the simplest of things and want to achieve better than I can give

But I always end up giving in to fear of failure.

I will always remember what Ernest told me

It's really about whether you are willing to put your life to the career you when

that even if life becomes like shitty and hellish you will still pull through

and embrace them all.

You love it so much that whatever comes your way

you're gonna pull through.

That really changed my perspective.

Will I be willing to put my ass off and work for something I love?

Hell yeah I would.

No second thoughts

But can I pull through failures and criticisms?

I doubt so. I fear and my pride resist it.

If there's anything I need to do now

I need to be disciplined.

I need to be focused.

I need to challenge myself and my fear.

I need to be confidence.

I need to make decisions like a man.

I can't define maturity.

I've realized maturity isn't define by what others think of you

saying you're a good boy or good person.

People say that when you're still a child.

But I'm no longer a child.

Children can refuse decision making

An adult can't.

That means I can't.

So maturity is different now.

It's probably more about making a stand for what you love and those decisions may not be right

but at least you made a decision.

It's about making most of the right decisions at the right time.

Yeah.

I realized I have a long way to go.

A long, long way to go.

I have to toughen up.

I have to grow up.

I have to learn and really follow what I love.

That time has to be now.

Day by day...
I realized that there seems to be nothing to blog about.

As I looked back... I see a lot of self-motivational posts
many of which lasted for short moments.

Somehow looking at them again, it feels like they are really redundant.
This place has turned into a blog for ranting
It holds many of my ups and downs.
Moments where I felt like beating myself awake
Moments where I felt strong sense of achievement
Moments where I felt like the future is daunting...
and sometimes full of hope.

After chatting with Jeff today, the more I am convinced that good things don't come easy.
He had his ups and downs, he went through tough times but he pulled through.
Somehow, I'm starting to envision that every one of us will have a moment in life,
where it will be so mind-blowing it changes your life.
Somehow, I don't feel that mine's here yet.

It's a contradicting feeling.
Good because you feel that you have so many mistakes more
so much room for improvement
Bad because life is too short for you to wait for that moment to come
so scary that you have to take every mistakes with pride
never knowing when that moment will arrive and make you a better person.

Somehow, its really confusing.

Looking at myself
I see a failure. Yes it may just be that I'm lacking confidence... in fact a lot.
But I don't feel like I've achieved much yet.

I hate doubters.
In fact, I'd love to prove them wrong.
But this time round, I don't feel that strong urge to prove my capability.
It feels really strange.
It makes me feel useless.

Year 3 has really made me think about the notion of maturity
What is maturity? What is youth?
Somehow they seem to clash so much.
I sometimes wish to force maturity. In fact, I used to think I'm mature but I guess not.
I act childish and crack nonsensical jokes and then people question your maturity.

Life's too short for so many things.
All of us will live old to regret the things we didn't do.
Many of us have no ideas what are the right things to do.
Maybe that's the paradox of life.
You will never know when you are right and only when you have found out, you look back and realized the many things you hadn't been able to do. That's when you regret.

I want to make myself someone I can be proud of.
I want to live life to the fullest.
I want to earn respect.
I want to prove people wrong.
I want to do so many things.
I want to ...


Challenge myself.
I feel so much that the enemy is myself.

My fear, my indecisiveness, my lack of confidence, my immaturity
I feel that my greatest weakness is myself.

Many of the things I could have achieved, I stopped myself even before trying.

I feel the need to be good and be respectable.
If there's ever a better time to feel that way. Now's the time.

As I post this, it will eventually be part of the hundreds of rants I had.
It may be a passing moment.
It may be a memory or so.
I hope that it will still be meaningful.

Somehow... I am starting to be more optimistic.

Despite the fact that the whole p3 process has been hectic

it seems like things are turning out for the better now.

First of all

I understand what my current scheme is all about.

For the very first time, I understand what it means to have a design concept.

It directs me towards my design and prevents me from being stuck.

For the very first time, i felt the ease of having a simple concept.

I am behind time, but I will work harder and smarter.

At least I know I'm on the right track.

Second of all

I was demoralized and depressed a week ago.

After talking to Ernest I felt better.

I was questioned about my ability to do Architecture.

I felt that I had no ability and no talent to compete.

I was lost.

then Ernest asked me this.

Would I prefer a job with security or a job with challenge?

Naturally, I would say challenges.

Even in basketball, I am always looking for challenges

But I always feel intimidated by failures and the unpredictable.

My answer was I would take challenges.

The whole point was not about whether you would fail or screw up your life over something

you feel that you can't do well

It was about whether you would be able to face all sorts of problems and still take them

with a passion and positive attitude

It was a question of whether you would commit your life to something that difficult.

It was that simple yet difficult to really achieve.

My answer was yes.

Last but not least,

I feel like I really like the whole IAD.

Maybe p3 helped bond us together

For some reason we are especially close this year.

Not just me or whoever but just the entire class.

I've always felt that poly would just be another academic process

I was wrong.

Our class IS something special.

I swear. I will miss this class

Whether or not design is our forte, we actually went through the whole shit together.

Seriously, IAD for the win.

Yeah... Okay shall go to sleep.

Gonna be another hell of a month ahead.

Good night people!

I'm once again at a crossroad stage.

Last time was the whole stage of screwing up P3.
Now, It's made known to me that I can't handle architecture.

No, I don't blame anyone.
There's no point in doing so.

I'm just feeling lost and my head feels heavy currently.

But I'm not giving up.
Like Stephanie told me, just do what you love.
Grades are nothing, Design is bias.

But if you keep working hard and for the fact that you love it,
just do it.
It really doesn't matter what people think.

I've never felt so lost and demoralized in my whole life.
But all I can do is to really keep pushing myself.
Because at the end of this, all I can blame is myself for not pushing hard enough
for not even making the effort to give it a shot.

Everyone is going through the same shit as me.
Some show their tears, some don't.
In fact they show it behind us all.
Everyone goes under the same pressure

Don't apologize for things you had not done.
Saying sorry doesn't help in any way.
Yes I need to toughen up.
I need to man up.

No, I don't wanna prove that I can do architecture
That's not the whole point.
I still have FYP and NS to think about it.
But for now, all I can do is to continue working hard and smart.

Just don't give up.
Don't give up.

THERE'S NO SHAME IN MAKING MISTAKES
LEARN FROM THEM.
HAVE THE FUCK THE WORLD ATTITUDE
BE CONFIDENT
UNTIL YOU BECOME CONFIDENT YOU WILL NEVER BE BETTER.

Looking through tons of inspirational photos Nat shared earlier

Really. for a moment I started to question my life.

Maybe mature is not mature enough.

I've thought I was but I never was.

Life is not about being mature. You can't be mature this early.

Life is more about making mistakes and learning from them.

It's a never-ending lesson.

Maybe I just don't know what I want yet.

That's why I can't focus.

That's why I can't do proper job with what I have.

Maybe I just don't know what I want yet.

Because when you really have something You want,

that's when you REALLY focus.

Maybe I wasn't brought up the "right" way.

Growing up learning to just do the right things

Growing up never daring to make mistakes.

Growing up never willing to be stupid or embarrassed.

Growing up just being that good boy impressionist

Growing up not in the "right" way.

I am starting to struggle now.

Only now am I starting to learn what making mistakes are.

Nothing in this world is permanent.

Happiness come and go. Enjoy them while they happen.

Bad things are the same.

Either way, they all end eventually.