No matter what happens. Just don't give up.

It's only day three and I'm really tired.
Not just physically but also mentally.

Today was really an epic day.
It started off well when the day began.
Then the entire thing took a turn when I got scolded by Suhan.

I'm not gonna discuss it here.
It's really all to do with my mistakes.
Then, there's the nagging from my mum and my siblings.
It's again my fault.

All you need to know is that I backed out from Spain
I'm using the money for OSIP instead.

Then, I was really distracted for the presentation.
Because of that, I was really lost in the entire site analysis.
Again, that's my fault for not listening.

However, there seems to be a certain error with the whole process.
It's somehow not gonna work in the long run.
Because of this clash of thinking, there's this awkwardness now.
Andrew and I are really worried and concerned.
But tomorrow we will make the necessary changes.

It's a hell lot to take in today.
But when something happens, deal with it.

Yeah, I'm tired.
I really am.
I sound exaggerated but I really mean it.

so I'm actually comfortable with it.
I feel that there will not just be a change with the work
but also within me.

I want this momentum to carry on.
I really want.

This class is terribly imba.
Too strong I would say. that's only gonna add on to my stress level.

Jeff is as usual, sharp and knows what he wants.
Jun Sheng is like the mini-Jeff.
Keith is the silent killer. It's really amazing how much he's improved over such a short time.
Fea is really observant and like a written notebook. She remembers the details of things damn well.
Andrew is always offering very interesting point of views.

Seriously. I'm not gonna lie. I'm already feeling stressed.

I can't seem to contribute in any way.
I pick up things far too slow. I really want to know how they think because I feel so darn far behind them.
It's like whatever I say they won't be able to accept because they are always two steps ahead.
but because of that I just have to work harder and smarter.

It's gonna have to be different this time.
I can't be like before, stressed and useless.
If anything happens, deal with it and learn from it.
That's all I can do... just keep pushing.

Tough days ahead but if I persevere I will make it through. I will and I promise myself that.

Good night people.

1) School starts tomorrow. A whole new beginning. A make or break semester.

2) I've decided to go to Spain. Yeah. Just gotta make full use of it.

3) Played good basketball yesterday. After that went for the movie overnight at Gwen's. We borrowed all the wrong movies but it was fun nonetheless.

4) Cut my hair today. Short hair is still the most cooling after all.

5) Learning to sleep early nowadays. Like now.

6) Gonna read up on this interesting psychology book I borrowed. Hell yeah.

7) I realized that I've been stuck with my own problems. Too caught up I mean.

In the past, I used to be more reserved and was more of a listener. That's why helping people and giving advices was the easiest. Because there was never "me" in the equation. I would analyze their situation, try and see how they feel and only then will I start to speak.

But growing up, I began to change. A necessity I would say because partially I was getting weary of the fact that nobody or majority would choose to listen to my opinions. I started to be more expressive. "Me" was added to the equation such that sometimes I would force my own thinking onto others.

It only became worse when more personal problems surface. During this age of 17-19 (more independence required) I had to deal with them and that obviously magnifies the value of "me" even more that I had to be more concern with myself.

Lately, when I do reflect, I realized that's why I get lesser opportunities to help people. Because my comments really was more about me than them. It's a process of course, something to learn from.

So now that I've gone through both stages, what I need to do is to balance it out. To learn when to care about yourself and when to care more about others. I will also make it an effort to not get lazy and when I feel that something is right, I should do it and not worry about it.

Last but not least, the most important thing I've learn so far is that whatever happens, deal with it.

Yeah. New Semester, New beginning.
To make it a good one, it starts with me.

Good night people.

1) Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution is awesome. Truly inspirational. Only watched 4 episodes so far but none of them failed to give me goosebumps. It's sending a message that so many people don't understand... that change don't come unless everyone plays a small part to it.

People always say why bother when others don't. Why think about it again. When you do think that way, another small contribution will be gone and eventually, everything fails.

2) Extreme Makeover Home Edition is the other hell of an inspirational program.

3) Just read the spain trip information. Basically, I think the cost of 2.8k is reasonable. But the only question will be... will I be able to make the best out of this trip? There's typically no answer to that.

4) Last day of work today. Just need to complete all projects by sunday and I will be free.

5) Evening at Timbre. I'm most likely gonna go.

6) Saturday night's stayover at Gwen's with Jinyi, Fendy and Benedict. Gonna be a long night of horror movies and comedy. I have a feeling I will fall asleep.

7) Derek will be my P3 lecturer. How AWESOME is that? I just want to get rid of my bad discipline and procrastination. I've been through stages with Joanne and Alan. I hope Derek will be my final stop. And best, a good one.

8) I lack the confidence. When people do criticize me, I start getting affected by what they say. The thing is, what they say may just be their point of view, it doesn't mean its true.

As long as I stay true and believe in what I do, I will convince people. That's what I need to work on.
Be confident of what you do. Do what you think is right, not what others think of you.

Good night.

1) Tomorrow is my last day of work. But I still have to complete the projects by Sunday.

2) Changed my mail today. Can't wait forever for hotmail to unblock my account.

3) Leaning towards going to Spain. Rosli said that we will be required to do a presentation or just some sharing of what we learnt during the trip. I know myself, I will definitely make myself learn something somehow. It's just 2.8k is seriously a little too much.

4) I guess it's a good time to start letting go. When my opportunities are completely sealed up, I start to forget the past more.

5) Was thinking of how I approached architecture in the past. I realized I was always going a straight path. I tried to translate complicated things and always fail.
Maybe instead of translating difficult things, I should translate simple things and add meaning to them.

6) I want to be as flexible and as open-minded for this upcoming semester.

7) I found a good way to tackle criticisms. I don't take criticism well, that's why.
Basically, criticism doesn't mean you suck. It just means that you have potential for far greater things. See, sounds so much different.

8) Learn from the book I've been reading recently.

Many a times the good moments are short while frustrating ones linger so much longer.
Many a times we get stuck at pressurizing or unhappy moments. Instead of wanting to avoid them, if we actually look at it from different perspectives, half of them are just challenging obstacles while the other half are the facts of life.

Why must we always see problems as difficult stages? I always do that. That's why I feel so stressful so easily.
Look at things differently and challenge them. When they happen, they just do and all you have to do is to deal with them.

1) My hotmail is once again inaccessible.
It's getting annoying and frustrating. If I get a new account, no issues with re-adding contacts but what about the things in my old inbox? seriously. what the heck man.

2) Bought 2 new jeans today for just $40.

3) Work this week is (going to continue being) hellish. Every day there's something new. But I'm enjoying the process because my ladyboss is happy with the work that I produced for her.

4) I cannot make it for the Tanjong Pagar outing. Damn I really wanted to go because its gonna be the first time I will board a train. Then again, it's my own fault for not renewing the passport on time.

5) Money money money.
Money makes the world go round. It makes me giddy and frustrated.
Sometimes I feel immature because of money. I feel inferior because of money.
Everything I'm doing now I'm feeding off my parents.
I really hate it.
I wish that I could just live in some simple country with a simple lifestyle.
That way, this trendy society won't force me to oblige by their rules and start manifesting all the materialistic desire within me.

6) Spain. Spain. Spain.
My heart says yes. My mind says no. My conscience says no.
It's 2.8k. that's a lot of money. Even so, being my first possible overseas trip (to such a faraway place some more), it's really that tempting.
However, my mom's revealing that pressurized but cool-mannered side of hers again. It also pressurized me. Of course she says if I want to go she can work it out, but I know inside her she hopes I don't.
Think about it, she's saving every penny to save up for my trip while I'm enjoying myself and using that hard-pressed money for those 10 days of fun. It's selfish isn't it?
Let's say I do go and she secretly borrowed money from people to make this trip possible, it's kinda even worse. I'm spending other people's money to enjoy in Spain. it's kinda ridiculous now?
Maybe after all these, I should just not go, bite my lips and be determined.
Maybe i will shed tears inside of me but it's more fair that way? I don't know. I hate this feeling. Either way seems to really frustrating.
I don't know. Fuck this. I need to handle this like a fucking man.

7) I was calculating my gpa earlier on. I need at least 3.5 from this sem and final sem to get to at least 3.3 by graduation. Yes, its that much.
That moment I was really pressurized (again) as to how can I possibly achieve that?
Suddenly, it shook me. I realized this: "If not now, then when?"
I only have a year left to make it possible. Why not dream big now and if it all works out, wouldn't it be awesome?
Really, my strategy board for this final year has been set:

If not now, then when?

I hate it when I'm tired.

I feel easily depressed and loss in motivation.

Totally becomes a walking zombie and emo-kid.

Today, Suhan sent a mail regarding osip.

I thought it was good. End up not so much.

Well... the employee mentioned that they don't understand our projects

thus we need to do a write up for them.

It kinda sucks because... well it goes to show that our portfolio wasn't effective.

BUT

on the bright side of things, at least we still had a second chance.

I'm thinking of so many things right now.

School especially.

I have so much to catch up and also OSIP.

I need a strong mentality.

I can't get all tired and mentally-drained so easily.

Yeah.

I need to stop stressing myself.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Okay screw it.

Sleep.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

My results were kinda a setback for me.
All I could think of was what went wrong?

I feel like a laughing joke because its like a hardworking guy who ends up getting average results.
People who doesn't work as hard scores better. But that's either because they are talented and thinks 2 steps ahead of me. Overall, there's this laughing joke feeling.

I am upset.
I am frustrated.
But what's done is done.
An improvement is way better than a de-provement.
I will just look forward and continue to bring better efforts.
This time I will aim higher and make sure I get them.

Went out with Jeff, JS, Keith, YJ and Nicole to see the design show.
One positive thing I heard was that as long as you get above 3.3 gpa there's a possibility to get into University. Another way is to display yr portfolio.

I really questioned myself... Am I in the right course?

I feel that I can do both IAD and VSC. Maybe more of VSC.
but like so many people mentioned to me, I lack the confidence.
I get very indecisive and goes a whole round before reaching a decision.
That's what I have to change.
Be decisive and be daring. In architecture, mistakes can be possible solutions.

Shine in the spotlight

Earlier they mentioned, wanting to shine and stand out among the rest.
I think that's a good point. When you display your work, you want people to be impressed.
That should be the attitude, to be proud of your work, it's a good feeling.
It sounds competitive but competitive in a good way, not to look down on people but to want to give it your best.
That's what I have to change.
To want to be good and impressive. When people doubt you, prove them wrong. Goddamn prove them wrong.

Work hard. Play hard. But be disciplined.

I got it from my mum earlier this week.
She nagged me for complaining and whining about work. She questioned me if I was going to carry that attitude out to work. I was really shocked. I looked back and I realized she was right.
I asked for this.
I told her I wanted to work but I end up complaining about it.
I didn't put in my best at work and did it half-heartedly.
I need to change my attitude. I need to be disciplined at work. If I can finish work on time, I am sure I can find time for my own enjoyment.
Another mindset is to work hard and play hard.
I need to be more organised in timetable. Don't always say I can't make it cause of work.
If I find the time, I can also have fun. Having fun is always important. You will die if you work all the way and not have fun.

So yeah.
Just look forward and keep working hard. When I meet obstacles, get over them. Yeah.
Good night.

Taking time out to do some reflection.
I like to think back. especially on all those precious good moments.
I realized that I have been so goddamn busy that I spend more time ranting and keeping myself
motivated rather than looking back.

People, looking back and slowing down is important too.
Once in a while do that. Don't let the busy lifestyle screw you up.

Things I've learnt this year:
- Perseverance
- Strong mentality
- Not taking jokes too seriously
- Be more positive
- Need to be more disciplined
- Importance of work
- Letting go
- Be how you want others to see you, BE YOURSELF
- Every mistake can be a sign of growth
- Don't be too lazy
- Taking initiatives
- Importance of being sensitive about people's feelings
- Laugh at yourself, life can be better
- Don't over think (still happening)
- Importance of families
- Staying well-tempered
- The importance of confidence (still working on it)
- Decision making is all about timing

Maybe a little for fun:)
Ten Things I wanna do in the future (no specific order):

1) Travel the world

2) Designing my own house (YESS!! A ROOF THAT SEES THROUGH TO THE SKY!)
and live with my parents and family

3) Be an active volunteer

4) Learn Psychology. I wanna be able to see how others think

5) Be an architect. I prefer designing forms to interior design

6) Live a simple life. I can donate half my assets to people as long as I can live with it.
Maybe run an orphanage. Or just fund one.

7) Learning the guitar or piano. Then I can put my horrendous voice to good use.

8) Learn to cook. I want to be half a chef. I can then cook whatever I want for myself and be creative with it even.

9) Make people smile. Painting rooms or walls with children. Chatting with old people.

10) Understand this complicated thing called Love. I thought i knew but I guess I was wrong.
BUT this is at the BOTTOM of the list. I know how important work is to me now.

Yeah. I actually had to squeeze out some of them.
I was stuck at 6. Damn. but they are all sincerely what I want.

Okay. Bye people. Need to nap.
Effing headaches.

I am finally done editting my portfolio.
I'm probably the only one to put in all these extra work.
Compared to the usual one month, I had probably spent half or nearly a month more to do it.

But it's all worth it.
I really want this OSIP somehow but I must remember to tell myself
if I don't selected, life goes on.
So yeah, better be mentally prepared.

So now that I am done with this chapter. On to the next:
Drafting work and Hospice/Volunteer work

Tomorrow I will start off with morning exercises by BBalling at Banja's area.
After that I need to call JS's auntie for the job and then settle the volunteer work with Gwen.

About the volunteer work. Gwen mentioned about the strong mentality of dealing with death.
I guess I was foolish to think it will be easy.
I just watched Mentalist and the last scene apparently, showed the main having to witness the death of another person so as to avoid to autopsy procedure. I know it's just a show but suddenly
it felt intense.

Imagine you have to sit across or just be there to witness the other party dying.
The irony is that you will be feeling healthy but watching the other slowly feeling the pain and showing signs of pain or agony. It's like watching him or her being tortured yet unable to help in any way.

It isn't easy after all, this thing called death.

I will give it some thoughts but yeah. I still want to do volunteer work.

Less than a month to Year 3. Time flies by really fast.
Sometimes it's scary. Real scary.

But whenever I think again... I wanna thank everyone around me for pushing me this far.
Some of them are my parent's friends or my brother's friends or even my relatives.
Without them I will never reach this far.

To be able to go to spain.
To be able to be selected for OSIP.

So many things seem so pleasant and fortunate now but I just need the courage to face them.
I need to understand that success don't come immediately.
I need to understand that without failure there will never be learning process.
I need to learn to take criticisms better and that they groom you to be a better person.
Yes. Life's still a long road ahead.
I can continue to be a better person day by day.

Just keep positive and always find ways to break out.
Good night people.