A nice, simple blogskin :)

Tomorrow will be pretty hardcore for me.
Will be working 3pm to 3am.
Don't ask me why
I'm just in it for the money and since
I am available anyway

That aside
I feel that I am starting to handle myself
better each day.
My impatience, my temper especially.

I have been able to tell myself
to tone it down and see the bigger picture
and it does help a lot.
I am starting to differentiate situations better
Which ones to bother and which to ignore.

Last time when I work
I tend to create stress for myself
and I would do it just for the sake of doing it
Now it's a different thing
I've been telling myself
to enjoy the process and just learn from it.

Attitude matters so much
How you approach a situation will define the outcome.
Whether you learn or not depends on your mindset.

Overall I am quite pleased with myself
I've learn to accept mistakes and failures better
that each and every one of them teaches you
lessons and the right way of doing things.

School's going to start again soon.
I won't promise myself anything
I will go with the flow
and do my best.

Don't give up, learn and be better.
That's the mindset I'm gonna carry with me entering the term.
Just be yourself.

Alright Gotta sleep.
Good night people.

---

Jinyi told me some things which really motivated me so much.
I just want to thank her.
I've been thinking...
Maybe the thing that makes me stand out
is my thinking.
I probably have the ability to see things differently at times
and come up with multiple perspectives.

But that doesn't matter anymore.
Being special shouldn't be a big deal.
Being the best you can be everyday is more important.
That's just how i want myself to be.

Once again
Thank you Jin Yi :)

I just finished watching two feature films from Channel U
which is why I am still awake now.
I must say they are pretty good.
Really impressive to see them coming from local talents.

I love independent films.
Hollywood or blockbuster films are good of course
but they are often too overwhelming in what they bring.

Independent films are different
they may not be as famous or well publicized
But they draw a connection to viewers
they are more closely related to life
and that's exactly what viewers love.
People love to relate, to understand and to be on the same ground.
That's why people become friends, lovers
and how communication goes best.
Because there is a common ground.

For me, what I love most is
every independent film has a way of teaching me something about life
something I can ponder about.
And once again I have learned and observed.

Lately I think i have been more positive.
I feel like I'm a little more on the right track now.
One of the factors is definitely my job.
It's really bring my mood up a lot more.
It's pretty fun there and most of all
it's the sense of achievement of making money
and knowing you now have something to back on.

---

One thing I've really convinced myself to accept
is how much I troubled myself.
I seem to give up easily
and especially when I face problems
it can keep me from being the best I can be for the rest of the day.

It's just like the saying goes
Don't give up on the whole forest over a tree
It's just like in life
You can't give up on the things worth being happy about in life
just because of a day's worries or frustration.
It's about looking at the bigger picture

That's what I've learn and tried to apply on myself.
It will be really important come project time
Where I can convince myself to keep moving forward
whenever I am too slow or stuck at work.

Mistakes teach you the right way.
If you have never taken the wrong route,
you may never know which is the right one.

So yeah. I need to sleep already.
Adios Amigos.

I don't wanna let these 2 weeks of holidays
(mostly working)
make me forget my goal

which is to be an architect.
Because I will be busy
my other free time has either become
sleeping hours or slacking hours
nothing spent on course-related things.

But I am dying for school to start again.
Because I'd rather study than work.

Then again
I will do my best to embrace this current job I am doing
which I hope it will prepare me for the future
how adults work and live.
It's all about experiences.

Let's try my best
to be that old hardworking-self I used to be.

Good night.

Everyday is a thinking process for me.

I wonder about countless things
I like to observe and make my wild guesses.
I like to interpret a person's character
although most of the time I have no idea if I'm right.

---

Anyway
after yet another tough project
I found myself continuing to lack discipline.
But in the process I learned so much.

I went through more of autocad
the basics of presentation and etc
most importantly
was that I realize how much I needed to work on my mentality
I am patient with others but not myself
I took away my own opportunities to succeed
I gave up far too easily

that is an aspect I need to work on.
Currently with my 2 weeks of break
I am planning to try and keep myself more organized
Going to work soon
and hopefully that can give me a sense of urgency.
Heard that its a cafe and flexible hours
So I'm cool with it

The only difference this time is that I will work through school days too
only if I'm available.
It's worth it isn't it?
6.50 per hour?
Let's make the deal man.
Then again, interview's on monday so shan't be so sure yet.

---

Just a few minutes ago
I realized my dissatisfaction with myself
How I seem to envy many other people and look down on myself.

Let's say an ex classmate
Cheng Wei is a very straightforward person
we aren't exactly close but he always has that charisma in him.
That sort of a feeling girls may look out for or maybe even anyone at all
and it seems to come naturally for him.
I really envy that and sometimes I hope i had that in me.
but I don't.

My good friend Banjamin has a weird sense of humor
and I know many of the things he's got he's earned them.
He would spend many hours to achieve the results
That's a winning attitude to learn from.
Something my lack of discipline is depriving of.

My other good friend, Benny, is sensitive in the sense
which he easily understands how others feel.
I used to be like this... I think but not now.
It's like anyone can talk to him and he knows exactly how to reply you.
Understanding is a hard thing to do especially emotions because
everyone's has their own perspective.

There are others who I envy but I won't name them all here.
After all these I can tell and I know
I have this attribute of mine to wanna feel special
to wanna stand unique among the crowd.
But I don't really show it out because I don't feel that it's something
to show off about.
I don't seem to find any attribute in myself
that people look up to or are impressed with.
Maybe not a lot of people praised me.
It's always the usual from the adults.

You are filial you are a good boy etc etc.
That's good because those are good things.
I take them with pride because I am doing the right things.
Just that probably I feel that I don't have much talent at all.
Like a useless person.

Enough of self-pitying.
I need to appreciate life more.

As I always tell myself
18 and still growing.
Every mistake is a process
18 is not young, but neither is it old
everyday we grow, it's a life process till you die.
You may never truly understand life until you become old
so just keep living life to the fullest
or as the best you can.

So yeah
I have to take that attitude and live with it.

alright
off to sleep.
many things ahead.
good night.

It's been a while since i blogged.

This post will be long.
there's many thoughts in my mind.
many of which
made me understand myself even more.

---

Benny returned today
so Jinyi, gwen and fendy went out too.
I have to be truthful
maybe all the time we weren't able to hang out together
we sort of drifted.
Maybe Benny's tired from the flight.
Maybe all of us were just tired today.

But we are drifting and we know it.
I may not express well through words but
I definitely want to keep this friendship.

It's a process.
It's maturity, the process of growing up and understanding
each other more.
that maybe the us during 16 years old were mirages.
they were who we used to be, but not the real us.
That we only realized now
that maybe we shouldn't had been that close.
that it was all a mistake.
but to come this far, it says something.
Something that hopefully will last in years to come.

---

It all started with a small chat Azure, Andrew and I had.
What we wanted for our future and all.
I suddenly ask myself
if Architecture is the right thing for me.
Architecture doesn't make you money
it drives you insane with lack of sleep
it deprives you of freedom
it makes you a workaholic
all of that and in return is a simple satisfaction
of seeing your dreams coming to life.

It's passion that drives architects.
the question is, are you satisfied with just that passion and sense of achievement?
That you are willing to put in months of hard work
just to see your dreams come to life.
Maybe you can enjoy that for a day
but after that you move on.
The cycle repeats itself.

I thought about that and
i have to agree with what ernest said.
That we shouldn't think so far ahead.
Motto is simple.
Be better than yesterday.

yes. easy to say.
hard to achieve.

I realized part of me likes to see nice and interesting houses.
maybe everyone else does.
I realized that part of me like the solitary and office feel of working
in a studio for architects
maybe that's only in tv shows and never in real life.

Maybe I'm just dreaming.
Maybe I'm not.

I came to realize something
that maybe my desire to be engulf in work
is because I know I am a loner
that I don't like to be involved in crazy parties
and that I am not that fun of a person

It's because I only feel useful when I do my work
It's because the only way I can feel good about myself is being
committed to working hard.

Sometimes I feel really like a loser
because everyone else is always hanging out with friends
having fun, playing and enjoying themselves
yet I'd rather locked myself in a studio to do my work
Like I'm a real outcast and friendless.

It sounds really sad actually.
But that's just the way I am.


That's just it.

---

As you hear and see more things
you come to realize how fortunate of a person you are.
I have so many friends whose went through worst times than I did.

Sometimes I feel the need to strangle myself
of how much I had wasted my time on meaningless stuff.
But life is like these, nobody can be serious all the way
unless he is really that amazing of a person.

My dad came back from his China trip.
he was sick and that the next day he'd probably need to help out my mom for work

there I was thinking.
The day after a short break in China and he needs to work
How tiring is that?
to work immediately after holidays.

Then I thought of my mom
she's working hard I know
and then I remembered... She's 50.
probably 51 and she's working so hard.

I suddenly felt pitiful
That they had to be working so hard at their age.
At that point in time I really wanted
to take them out.
To bring them to have fun outside.
That the only way to do so is to work hard
and provide enough to bring them out
just to have fun and see the nicer places on earth.

It could've been my motivation
That I wanted them to enjoy themselves
after working so hard even at their age.

I feel bad.
even now.
I took so many things for granted.
Yet I'm slacking much.

I will regret I know
when they are probably gone
(touch wood. slap yourself YongXi.)
That I didn't do my best
to make it up to them
to repay them for all the years they put in
to raise me and my brothers.

In these few days I've really been thinking.
I just really hope that I can do my best

To be a better person
To be a successful person
To be a better son.
To be someone worthwhile

No, I don't yearn to be someone significant
but at least
to repay those whose make a difference in my life.

Yeah. that's it.

18 and still learning.
Maybe I haven't found out more things about myself
I know I will
and hopefully better of myself.

Good night.