I came into this new semester hoping for a new attitude
I started off well
then as the days passed I lost my momentum.

I can say I secured the VPESS for a B at the minimal
but now I seem to be struggling for PDev
which is a core subject.

Maybe I hate my design
Maybe I am lazy
Maybe I am both

I whined.
I moaned.
I complained.
I did all sorts of rubbish I shouldn't
be allowing myself to do.

Yes I put alot of pressure on myself.
because i felt that I have to disciplined myself.
But as much as I did all those
They failed. I slacked and slacked.

There seemed to be no answers.
I am weak mentally
exactly what I wasn't thinking of myself as.
I give way to all sorts of pressure and think that i didn't.

Maybe it's really time
to stop thinking
about who's better than me
To not compete so much such that it gets all stressful

To stop wanting to be special and talented.
I realized no matter how hard I tried to disciplined
I end up letting the pressure get to me

I forgot the process
the process of learning
the process of enjoyment
It's all those.
School is just a thing now
It may determine who you are now
but definitely not in the future.

It's all about hard work
determination
and being passionate about what you do.
I know a part of me loves architecture
but I doubted myself.

I let all sorts of nonsense get to me.

The talented and stronger students.
They made me fear and not learn.
I should be learning from them because they are good.

Deadlines.
I keep thinking of producing work to submit
but as important as they are.
I shouldn't be submitting work for not wanting to fail.
It should be really submitting works that came from real hard work and sincerity.

So many things got to me.
I forgot all the important things.

I just need to tell myself
to let things come as they may.
To enjoy something you do is the best way you can learn.

I know i have been going in circles and it may never stop.
I just need to tell myself
If I will put my heart and soul into learning it
and just see where it goes from here.

I think the tired week really got to me.

I lost perspective and got really childish at times.

Like my attitude was really ass.

I should be learn to be more mature at times.

So yeah

I will learn.

I've given attitude to my parents time and time again.

I mean I always said I'm fine but I would

say that in a irritated tone.

Whatever it is, I was selfish

that was it. What done is done.

I shall do my best to not let that happen anymore.

Also watched a video which really just made me

feel like I need to treasure my parents before they are gone.

Because if I don't, I know I will regret big time.

----

On the other hand.

I have this friend who's probably going through emotional times.

I mean I don't know what to say

and I know I shouldn't even say anything.

But I just really wish that she can be happy.

At such a young age, there's still so many things

you've yet to experienced.

Many great things, many sad things.

But even if you're a girl, be strong.

Because you know at some point in time

you need to be strong on your own.

It's not always about someone taking care of you.

You need to show that you can be good on your own too.

Not only for yourself, but also for that someone to not have to worry about you every time.

Life matters when you pick yourself up after every fall.

It's not easy and who ever said it was easy?

But as long as you tell yourself you will, you will.

Things matter when you tell yourself they do.

It's all in the mind.

I just really hope things will turn around

and she can be happy again.

That's all I will hope for.

Alright, time to continue my work.

Bye people.

Another day.

Another lesson.

When I feel tired all sorts of emo thoughts start coming to me
today happened to be one of those days

I don't know why
but I just feel tired

I really wonder what am I doing
No, nothing's wrong.
I just always question myself

It's like suddenly I lose the motivation to do anything.
I always wonder
why do I always need a purpose to do something?
Must everything I do be meaningful?
It's tiring sometimes.
I wanna stop that but I can't
It's just built in me.

Then I tell myself I shall take a break
then maybe those thoughts will go away
But no they seem to stay
It's like a never-ending cycle.

Then suddenly I thought
why am I always affected by the results and achievements in school

A lot of my friends put in a lot of effort
in their work
In other words, they are perfectionists
Yes they are supposed to drive you to work as well as them
but suddenly today it seemed different

It's like...
why must I follow?
I am a perfectionist too
But I suddenly feel like the whole results thing is overrated
Everything seems to be cycling around it

It's like you see someone put in much effort
and you wanna do the same
But it seems like its the effort and marks that attracts you instead
Shouldn't it be about integrity and willingness to learn?
I don't know
Even I am lost

I don't even know what the heck I am doing
Yes I should stop thinking
and just keep working
but what for?
It's like a robot.
You just do something cause you know it's supposed to be.
It doesn't make sense to me.

I know people probably feel like I've think far too much always
but it's just me.
I wanna do something because it's right to me
not because it's supposed to be.
It just feels... weird to be following everything.

But isn't that why life is tough?
because it sets 'rules' for what is to be
you have to follow or you will suffer
until you find a way to go around it doing your way

I don't know.
It's just been tiring.
I just wanna find an answer soon.