I like to listen to music and start imagining things.

Often I wished life was a little different.

I wished it was like those in the stories.

Like you could be a hero of your own story

That heroic, patriotic feeling you get feels great.

But life isn't like this.

It's a series of challenges.

When you succeed you don't stop there.

You move on and challenge yourself further.

That is life.

Never ending cycle.

I guess I just haven't found any motivation in life yet.

Disappointment never tasted so bad for me.

disappointment can even be

the lack of confidence in yourself.

Because when you don't

people who probably see something in you

they get disappointed.

You're not just disappointing yourself

but also people around you.

You know

sometimes it's just the helpless feeling.

Since p1 i told myself

I'm not gonna screw p2 up.

Guess what.

Today I screwed up my presentation.

I'm a pretty straightforward person.

even when i show my emotions.

I didn't hide my disappointed face.

Why should I?

It makes me feel like I'm not bothered with my work.

But people always come up and tell you

move on move on.

Yeah, I understand.

That doesn't mean I will carry a smile on my face.

Yet doing that and learning your mistakes feel so hard.

Real tough.

Every stage of life, there's an obstacle.

I used to have issues getting over relationship

now I'm having difficulties with my work ethic.

I don't know.

Every year the stress accumulates.

Because every year you get closer to becoming a real working adult.

Carry real responsibilities.

This is a stage I must get past.

My work ethic.

There's nothing I can do.

All I can do is move on and learn from it.

Today is a pretty sucky day actually.

I am currently having a slight stomach upset.

At the same time,

my parents seem to be on the verge of quarreling.

I still remember what happened years ago.

Please don't let things get any worse today.

Please.

I was at the bus-stop
really thinking about things.

All along
I've always thought that I am mentally tough.
I guess I have been deceiving myself for so long.

I have been misled by my own actions.
I failed to notice that
laziness and ill-discipline had gotten me into what I am now.

I am not as mentally tough as before anymore.
It's time for me to realize that.

Being mentally strong and not giving up
means to really put in all my effort regardless of the final results.
To tell myself that at the end of everything
I will achieve something.
Despite whether there's any glory in it
I will be contend with what I did.

That's the mindset of being tough mentally.
I have lost it for quite a while.
It's time to really get back into that mood.

Never let the word 'sleep' influence my decisions.
Starting from now until the final submission of P2.
I need to carry that attitude.
I need that attitude to help me survive and at the very least
not disappoint myself.

I know I need to start now.
Now is the best time to do so.

I came to realize

I've lost some parts of me.

I lost track of certain things which I shouldn't have.

I really ought to do some reflection.

I forgotten what it meant to be strong.

I forgotten what it meant to rise upon challenges.

Like I used to be in secondary school,

never backing down from problems and just persevering on.

This new life i lead

somehow isn't making me any stronger.

Instead, I get more frustrated and start running away more.

This isn't the way to go.

I know it. I know myself.

I know my capability to withstand tough times and stand strong.

But somehow, I get more tired.

I also spend lesser time with my friends

from secondary school.

I feel bad sometimes but sometimes I really can't be bothered.

If any of you are reading this, it's not that I am not as concerned as before.

It's just. Face it. This is my new life.

I know what's the decision to make and I will make it.

I understand some of you

feel that if you guys can manage your tight schedules then so can I.

But hey, have you ever put yrself in my position?

To sometimes not sleep and just pull all-nighters to finish work.

Worst, sometimes you know you aren't supposed to sleep yet you just did.

then you wake up to blame yourself and put more stress onto yourself

telling and blaming yourself for sleeping.

Then you get all upset and fed-up because your work just looks like a piece of crap.

I don't wanna blame anyone.

Because I myself don't have that discipline in me.

Even when I do have free time

I will spend the time at home surfing net, watching movies and playing games.

It's my time to really chill out and sometimes I just wanna spend it alone.

I also feel like a asshole

when I can't be there for my friends at times.

When they need a listening ear or at least someone to accompany them.

Sometimes I am really busy

or just that I have my own problems.

Seriously, I feel so selfish.

But I realize doing things for people all the time is impossible.

It's just not possible to please everyone at times.

Worst of all, you are not even doing yourself a favor by pleasing yourself at the very least.

There are a lot of things on my mind.

But now's not the time to rant.

I have so many things to do by tmr.

A design concept for pcomdi.

A essay 2 pgs for pcomdi.

Continuing my p2 progress.

I hate it when I am stress and start behaving like a ranting brat.

I should be composed and doing my best.

I don't hate this life.

I just hate myself.

I hate myself for not being able to perform to standard.

To not be a good friend at times.

To be stressed up which can be annoying.

To not be discipline.

I hate how I am doing things now.

I hate that I am not performing the best I can.

The best that someone with all the capability can perform to.

I am disappointed in myself.

Nevermind.

I will pick myself up from here.

I need to be stronger.

This is only a small obstacle compared to other things

the unfortunate people face.

I need to be strong.

This is the best I can do.

Bye people.

I am quite happy today actually
I got a pretty good grade and some good comments from my peeps
regarding my project

Honestly speaking
I was lost. I totally had no idea what I was doing.

A lot of people commented about my lack of self confidence.
Honestly speaking I can get really arrogant at times
just that most people don't know it.

Somewhere in me
I think I have this talent for design
But then again I will tell myself
I am a nobody

It's a way of being humble
or in a way you can think
It gets you more praises and approval because of people
constantly at your ears telling you that you are capable.

Somehow
Humans are so deceiving
I am one
I feel like a hypocrite sometimes


As the days pass
I realized that things have changed pretty much

I used to be thinking about life questions so often
now it's becoming really seldom

Maybe this so-called 'lifeless' life is taking effects
I probably have no time to think about other things other than work or
constantly telling myself and stressing about discipline

I used to tell myself
When I grow up
I want to help the people in need
I want to be useful person
I want to change another person's life
I want to make a difference.

Somehow you think again
It isn't what a designer's life is.
So I am constantly stuck on the road
because of my stubborn nature

Once I think in a way
It's gonna constantly go that way
It's gonna be hard for anyone to change my mindset at all.

I also doubt myself
If I have became more irresponsible

I obviously have.

I currently owe 4-5 friends money
and I have yet to pay up.
They obviously don't mind but it's such a bad habit for me.
It's time for me to stop spending
Furthermore, I have no part-time job currently.

I also seem to spend lesser time at home
I spend lesser time helping my family.

I sometimes have to push off outings with friends.
They may wonder if I have changed
But how do I explain to them?
I mean. this is my 'new' life.
Will they understand?
That this life needs so much discipline and I don't have it yet.

I used to think if I will ever change as I grow.
I've seen my brothers changed and that was significant.
I constantly wonder if I will still be that good boy I was.
What if I become a criminal in the future
I mean, you will never know isn't it?

I'm still young
So many things can change.
Maybe in some parts of life I am lost.

This design life is pretty hectic.
to make things worst
I am such a lazy person and ill-disciplined.

That just made life so much tougher.
But hey I gotta be strong.

Life is a gift.
When I born a normal person.
I should live up to my expectation as one.
This is the basic respect I should give myself and others.


Relationships are still on my mind
I had probably lied to a million people
that it hadn't crossed my mind at all.

I am lying.

Face it and I know it so clearly.
Relationship will play a big part of my life.
I love my family and friends.
All the more I will love my girlfriend or whatsoever if it ever happens.

I constantly think of the 'what ifs'
I sometimes question myself
Because I really don't know if I can handle one.
I would think about it and really feel like
it would be such a tiring process
Plus the fact that I have no income now
It's just gonna be tougher.

I will think to myself
if it happens to be a breakup
how will I take it?
I can say that I have learnt my lesson and I will leave it.
But who knows what's really going to happen?

I made things worst with my ex.
I tried to do too much.
Lucky for myself
I slap myself awake and now we are on better terms.
I am a failure in this

Maybe I am too stubborn.
If I really want a relationship.
I want a serious one.
I don't play with it, it isn't fair to the other party at all.

But it's probably a fact that relationships don't go the way I think.
It's my stubborn, wishful-thinking that's killing me.
Until I really learn what this weird thing is about
I will probably still be too timid or scared to face it.

Alright I need to start on my work already.
Ciao people.