It's been a while since i've blogged..
i guess i wont be blogging as much as before anymore.
A lot of things happened the past 1-2 weeks..
and that set me thinking a lot... a lot.
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Firstly it was family issues
I'm currently not working so it makes it hard for me to go out, furthermore
it's the holidays now.
Everything i do, I have to consider cash.
it really frustrated me.
Ironically, I'm still just 17.
Why is it that I have to consider so many things, much more than other kids.
I know it's been immature for me to think this way.
But I've been better now
watching the reality shows on TV
and some movies made me realize
that I should feel fortunate no matter what.
A lot of those kids in other countries
face worst problems than me
at an even younger age.
yes, even younger age.
Thus, I shall punch myself and let this go.
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Then, it was results.
Weeks ago, I was telling myself
i can make it to the university.
Then the results came out and boom,
everything went down the drain.
My results dropped and my friends improved.
It really annoyed me when some friends can complain about their better results.
Yes, i know i can only blame myself and noone else.
but it just added on to the frustration.
They can go on and on about it... its damn annoying. freaking annoying.
But what can we do? Nothing.
We can only work hard to at least be eligible for university
and then ignore whatever they say.
---
Next was personal issues.
These few days, I've been having some bad or weird dreams. yes, every night.
I have no idea what they are telling to say
but they aren't really any good dreams.
I guess I haven't fully let go
but i know I have given up.
I still dream of her once in a while
but slowly, i will forget.
Like I've said before, if it's meant to be
it will come.
if it isn't, then leave it as it is.
---
I have been really restless these few days.
I have no idea what I've been doing for basketball.
I play hard and nothing comes.
I play slack and worst happens.
maybe i just never practice, that's why.
but slowly, I'm starting to accept that i will never be good in this sports.
maybe, i will just play it for leisure.
but i can always be a crazy NBA fan.
sometimes I also get frustrated with myself.
why is it that so many friends around me have achieved so much while I'm not achieving anything.
It gets me jealous and upset.
Like 17 years and nothing great achieved.
But all these while, i've probably started to remember what I wanted to achieve
to help the world and all.
but these few days I've been really restless, just aimlessly watching movies.
I don't know.
It's just at this point, I'm probably confused with life.
I don't know what i want to achieve.
I really don't.
Somehow, life sucks without motivation, isn't it?
It made me miss the secondary school days.
where i could just stick to a system and keep myself busy
and have something to do everyday.
now, it really sucks.
You don't know what to work hard for.
you have no idea what your future will be like.
i hope that soon i will clear this off my heart
i just need motivation.
but where are they?