For the very first time.
I don't know what to do.
I just sat down there.
Staring blankly...
My mind filled with this and that...
They were all messed up. None seemed to be the right answer.
I sound emo. I sound depressed. I sound fed-up.
Don't tell me to cheer up or whatever.
Cause this time... I don't think it will work.
I'm not angry.
I'm not sad.
I'm just feeling so... lost.
Many moments... i dare say I am optimistic.
More than anyone else out there.
Because i know life goes the way we want them to.
So being happy means living a happy life.
Being contend means living a contend life.
But optimism just doesn't work anymore this time...
For a moment.
When i started to laugh.
Started to joke
Started to do so many things I haven't done before
and just feel satisfied.
I thought that I found out who I really am.
Just when that moment could last.
I got lost again.
Things just made me thought again.
Is that really the real me...?
I really am fed-up.
Why is it that when I keep struggling to find out what is the real me?
Why is it that whenever i do something, things just come in the way?
Why is it that when i thought that I found the answer, i get questioned about it again?
I am fed-up
I am really fed-up...
I want to scold everyone who questioned me
I want to just swear at all of them.
Why is it that when I thought that i found the real me...
You guys just had to ruin it?
I even want to scold myself.
Why is it that i can't be doing things for myself?
Why do i let people doubt and question me?
Why?
Don't tell me to be optimistic.
Don't cheer me up.
I want to figure out on my own.
I don't want to be the same me when I was in secondary school
That kid who just emo and does nothing useful.
i thought i was beginning to be alright.
But guess what.
I just had to be questioned and doubt again.
Why the fuck... you know?
Seriously
That's the only reaction i can come up with.
Why the fuck?!
I am not pin-pointing at anyone.
I am not scolding anyone.
I am just frustrated.
You guys wanna know why i did blogging?
It's because i wanted to express my feelings.
It's because i never wanted to rely too much on people at times
I just wanted to blog things out and let them go.
So please don't be offended.
I am not scolding anyone.
When i get angry, i vent most of them on objects, not people.
Don't ask me why
Don't ask me this and that.
Don't tell me to be optimistic
Don't tell me to do this and that.
Don't tell me to be open-minded just because I am not the only one going through this.
I just need some space and time to cool down.
I know i will get over all these bullshit.
And I know that if i can go through all these on my own.
I wont let them happen to me again.
falling and standing on my own is part of learning isn't it?
I will settle this on my own.
So let me do this on my own.